“I get more exposure to my career path, show business.” “That’s good, three to go.” “I get to travel to places that most teenagers would never get to go. Four, if you’re worried about me doing anything wrong, its been a month, I would have already done it, but I haven’t, so I won’t.” “I guess I could take that as a legit reason. Last one, it has to be good.” I bite my bottom lip and think. Why else should I stay. AJ, who has been listening to my half of the conversation, takes the phone out of my hand. “Mrs. Rutherford, this is AJ, the last reason Tanya should stay would be the entire crew would miss her. We love her so much, she’s like our best friend.” I can’t believe I didn’t even think about that. He finishes the conversation and says goodbye. “Thank you, Al, that was so sweet!” “Welcome, she told me to tell you can stay and she loves you.” I grin at him. I’m ecstatic. “So, my hair is washed, are you going to help me dye it or not?” “Yes I am. What color is it going to be today?” “Just a basic bright red.” He answers. “I like your normal hair color, but I guess AJ’s gotta be different, huh?” He enters the bathroom, and I follow, but I bang my hip on the doorknob, hard. “Ow!” I cry, rubbing my hip. “Smooth.” “You are so sweet.” I say, sarcastically. “What do you want me to do? Kiss it and make it all better?” Before I answer, he bends down and kisses my soon-to-be-bruised hip. I laugh and grab the hair dye out of his hands. “Have you done this before?” “Not to my own hair, but I’ve helped Missy quite a bit.” “Good, you know what you’re doing with hair dye. Another perk of having you on this trip.” “You bet, buddy!” I saying tearing open the box. An hour later, I am sitting in a local dance studio, watching Fatima and the boys practice their moves. I met Fatima about three days after the Music Awards, we became fast friends because of similarities in our personalities. “One more time. Five, six, seven, eight.” She counts tapping her foot. I jump up and follow along, near the wall, trying not to disturb anyone. I have seen their dances so many times I know them all. “Tanya, would you like to join in?” Fatima calls out to me. I nod and bound over to them, I have been still long enough. “Ok, let’s start ‘Get Down’ from the beginning. She presses the play button and music pours out of the speakers. I have a hard time staying in the formation, because they all have longer legs than I, so, I have take longer strides. “Wow, Tanya, you catch on really quick.” She comments, when the song finishes. “Dancing in musicals help a lot, but I think its the seeing-these-dances-done-everyday has something to do with it.” I joke. “Hmmmm, you’re right. We need some new moves. The fans probably want something new.” “I didn’t mean it like that. They are really good dances.” I try to explain. “I know, don’t worry, I should change one, at least the positioning. You can break now, we’re finished.” Fatima walks off, obviously counting beats in her head. “Great! Now we have to learn a new dance!” Nick cries out, sarcastically exasperated. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.” I apologize. “Don’t worry about it. Fatima is right, we should do something different.” AJ comforts me. “You’re only saying that because it takes you and Howie like five seconds to pick up the dance, and the rest of us-hours.” Brian jokes. I just wonder what Fatima is working up. At 9:45pm, the guys have finished their main part of the concert, and I’m up. “Hello Minneapolis! How are you this fine evening?” I shout, jumping on stage. The crowd yells out many answers and thunderous applause fills the arena. “I’m Goldie, and y’all know what I’m hear for right?” I put my hand to my ear and hold my mic out. “Backstreet Questions!” The audience screams back. I jog over to the bowl of numbers. “Oh, like my new shoes?” I extend my leg, high in the air, showing off my new platforms Sketchers, which I wrote in large letters around the rubber platform-”BSB 4EVER!” The audience cheers, “Ok, yes, I know its cheesy, but that’s not the point.” I quip, putting my foot down and reaching into the bowl. “Orchestra G-14!” After a small pause, a male voice booms over the speaker system. “Hi, I’m Devon, I’m here with my sister, its her birthday.” “What’s her name?” I ask. “Natasha.” “Happy Birthday Natasha!” I wave a the petite girl seated next to him. “I’m going to cheat, Devon, you can answer a question, and for Natasha’s birthday, she can too.” She smiles at me. “Well, my question is, are you dating anyone?” “No Backstreet Boys for me.” Thinking that was the answer he wanted. “I mean anyone at all?” “Are you getting to something Mr. Devon?” I smile at him. “No, I’m not, nor have I really ever dated someone at all.” I answer, truthfully. Devon hands the microphone to his sister. “Hi.” She greets me, shyly. “Hi, and what do you want to know?” I ask a little quieter, not wanting to scare her. “Before, when you were just a fan, did you have a favorite Backstreet Boy?” “You know, I won’t lie, I did love them all, but I had a crush on one of them. It was Kevin. Now, all the other guys will be offended and I’ll have to apologize, but now you know. Ok, next one, double A-20” “Hi Goldie! I’m Cristy! I want to know, what is your favorite part of touring with the Backstreet Boys?” “Touring with the Backstreet Boys.” I answer, simply. “I get to travel all around, and travel with a bunch of great people, what more could you ask? I have the chance to talk to people about a wonderful music group, and I love people, I’m around hundreds of them, daily, its just the coolest thing! Ok...last one...C-23.” “Meagan here, if you had to pick one Backstreet Boy to date, who would it be and why? You have to pick one.” “Harsh. I have to answer with one?” The entire audience shouts affirmative. I stand there and ponder for a few moments. “I...hmm...I would probably pick Nick, because he is closest to my age and experience. Well, I hope you guys have fun! Now, I’m going to get to get a beat down because I answered that. Nah, I’m playin’! Remember go after your dreams and make them come true! Peace out!” I jog off stage and hand my microphone to a sound tech. I see Kevin, AJ, Howie, Nick, and Brian run to their places. I hope they didn’t hear me, I think to myself. While the guys do their last number and say goodbye, I help the crew get everything together. As soon as I see the boys hurrying through, I make a dash for the bus. We all board, and as we drive off, Nick pulls me away from the other guys. “Did you mean what you said?” He questions me. “About what?” I try to act stupid, knowing exactly what he is talking about. “About who you would date.” “Well, yeah, I mean, you are closest to my age.” “So, if I asked you out, would you?” “Nick, I...I mean...we,” I can’t spit it out, “let me think about it.” Wrong answer, Tanya! I should have said no, but I don’t want to hurt him. “Sure, Tan, think about it.” I turn and hurry off to my room, grabbing the cell phone on the way. “Hello.” Missy answers. “Missy, it’s Tanya.” “Tanya! Hey, how are you?” “I have a major dilemma.” “Spill it.” I tell her what just happened and how I answered Meagan’s question. “Let me get this straight. Nick Carter, of the Backstreet Boys, just asked you out and you told him, you’d think about it?” She asks, stunned. “Miss, I can’t say no, because I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t say yes, because I have to think about Kev, Howie, Al, Bri, and not to mention the fans, this situation just sucks for relationships. He can’t date someone he doesn’t see and he can’t date someone he does.” “Well, I think you know what you have to do. Just let him down really easy, tell him you like him and all, its not him, its just your situation.” “I guess I have to, huh?” I confirm, solemnly. “Well, I’ll talk to you later.” “Bye Goldie.” “Bye.” I hang up the phone and fall back onto my bed. I’ll tell him tomorrow I can’t deal with it now, I think to myself. I sneak into the bathroom, not wanting to deal with anyone, and get ready for bed. I sit up, stretch and yawn. “Morning.” Nick greets me, quietly. He startles me, I am usually the first one up. He is sitting on his top bunk, with a pencil and sketch pad in hand. “Good morning. Why are you up so early?” I ask. “I didn’t sleep well, I kept waking up, so around 6, I just stayed awake and started to draw.” “Drawing what? Treacle from a treacle well?” I ask, referring to the Doormouse’s reasoning in Alice In Wonderland. “What?” He doesn’t understand. “Nevermind.” “I’m just drawing stuff.” “What kind of stuff?” I get out of bed, and try to see his sketches, but I’m too short to see above his bed. “Come on, let me see.” I whine. “They aren’t very good.” He tries to make excuses. “Please?” I look up at his face, pleading. He looks at the drawing, then at me, once again, he hands it to me, and I just stare. “It’s...It’s...Wow, it’s me.” I choke out the words. “Yeah.” I don’t know if he’s ashamed, or embarrassed. The sketch is unbelievable. It is of me, sleeping, my curls fanned around my head, like a halo. “It’s...It’s really...It’s me.” I still cannot get over it. I hand the sketch pad back to him, “It’s beautiful.” “No, you’re beautiful.” I hang my head, this is going to be hard. “Nick, we need to talk.” I motion him to follow me, I grab a “Phat Farm” sweatshirt I borrowed from Kevin, and threw it on, over my pj’s.We leave the bus and start to walk around the parking lot the bus has parked at. “Nick, I-” I start to explain. “Wait, me first please.” Nick interrupts. “What I did was unfair. I shouldn’t have sprung that on you. I knew how you felt about this situation, but I still asked. I’ll understand if you say no.” “Thank you for understanding. I do like you, but it just won’t work. It would be hard, with the fans and everything.” We mumble a few things after that, but we head straight back to the bus. I, probably, we feel uncomfortable alone, after that. When we return, Nick and I find AJ and Brian sitting at the kitchen table. “Where were you guys?” Brian asks, mouth full of cereal. “Just walking.” I answer quickly, probably a little too quick because he asks, “And...?”, trying to get details. “Just walking, man.” Nick says, sternly, trying to get the point across. “Ok, whatever.” The rest of the day, the tension builds around us. Howie and Kevin are filled in about Nick’s and my un-caperoned walk. After the concert that night, not much is spoken between all of us. Two days later, the guys are barely speaking to each other, and I can’t understand why. I gather Nick, Howie, AJ, Brian, and Kevin in my bedroom to talk it out. AJ takes a seat on the top bunk, and Brian the lower, and Kevin the single and Howie and Nick sit as far apart as they can get, with me seated in the middle of the floor. “Something is seriously wrong. What’s up?” I ask, concerned. “Why don’t you ask him?” AJ snaps, glaring at Nick. “Don’t even, man, it’s your fault, too.” Nick spits back. “If you hadn’t tried anything like that, this wouldn’t be a problem.” Kevin jumps up and glares at Nick. That starts a total-insult-fault throwing. The noise escalates and I can’t stand it. “Stop it!” I throw my hands in the air. “What exactly did Nick do?” “He asked you out.” AJ informs me. That starts a new round of insults, I can’t take it. I storm out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. I try to calm myself down. The yelling gets louder and louder, I cover my ears, when I hear a loud crash. I run back into the room, and I can’t believe it! AJ and Nick are pounding on each other, while Brian, Kevin and Howie shove each other around and yelling. I run over and pull Nick apart from AJ, and then push Brian, Howie, and Kevin away from each other. I stand there, looking at them, hurt. I try hard to hold back my tears, my bottom lip quivering. “Don’t ever-ever do that again. I can’t believe you!” My tears start streaming down my face. I never let people see me cry, I run out of the room, out of the bus, I keep running. I run until my lungs ache and my legs cannot hold me anymore. I crumple to the sidewalk, and cry. I cry until there is nothing left to cry. “Tanya!” Twenty minutes later, I hear Donna’s voice. She runs over to me and hugs me in a very maternal fashion. I rub my eyes which are raw from my tears. I see the guys, Johnny, Lonnie and Andre surround me. My face is puffy and red from my crying. Johnny hugs me and holds me bout at arm’s length. “Yep, she’s alive. For the most part.” “Don’t ever run off like that again.” Donna smoothes out my tousled hair. I notice the rest of the guys standing back, together, not wanting me to burst out in tears. Andre and Lonnie look relieved that I was found, in one piece. I look at the guys and smile feebly. They look back at me as if I am going to break at any second. “Are you ok?” “Yeah, a little tired, but I’m ok.” “I would think so, if you ran that entire way.” Donna interjects. “Didn’t you?” “No.” She answers pointing at a Grande Jeep Cherokee. “Whose is that?” “Mine. I bring it along for this type of thing.” Lonnie answers. Donna suggests we should leave, and go back to the buses. “Tanya, do you want to walk back, so we can talk?” Kevin asks. “Yeah. I think that would be good.” Kevin turns to Lonnie and Andre. “Can we go without security? It is around one, I don’t think we are going to be mobbed by fans out here.” “This one time. Watch out for Tanya.” Lonnie instructs. Lonnie, Andre, Donna, and Johnny get in the Jeep and drive off. We start walking, at first in silence. I hug myself, it is getting pretty cold. Kevin, being the only one with a sweatshirt, takes it off and offers it to me. “We don’t want you to catch pneumonia or something.” I take it, and put it on. It is a few sizes to big, so I am lost in the warm fabric. “Well, I guess I had better start. Tanya, we are so sorry for what we did.” They rest agree. “We just couldn’t believe Nick would be the first to ask you out.” “Wait, first to ask me out? You guys wanted to ask me out?” I query. “Yes, basically.” I am in a stunned silence. The members of the Backstreet Boys, all like me. This is like a horrible dream, or a wonderful nightmare, I can’t decide. “We all wanted...” Howie pauses, for a moment to find the right words, “to be special to you.” “You are special to me, all of you. I love you so much. That’s why I can’t. I can’t date one of you because I am so close to all of you. You have to understand.” “We do now. We all love you to.” AJ breaks his silence. How can I not love these guys, I think. We spend the rest of the walk, trying to make small talk.